It wasn't until two years ago that I have learned that there was a name for my condition that I struggled with in silence for over four years now. I have high-functioning and social anxiety. When you are struggling with any type of anxiety, your world seems distinctly different from everyone else's. The last thing I would want is to be called out for something not even I can control. Social anxiety is a disorder in which the person who experiences it has difficulty, stress and symptoms of anxiety that accompanies any situation that involves socializing with other people in conversations and face-to face altercations. According to WebMd social anxiety is experienced in "different ways. But here are some common situations that people tend to have trouble with:
To me having anxiety is a daily struggle that I try to cope with as much as I can. I am not on medications because I do believe in other possibilities of treating this distress. However despite my efforts to cope with this unpleasant feeling that includes frequent panic attacks, sweaty palms, racing thoughts, restlessness, depression break outs, mindless task-making, trying to tire out the restless energy, overachievement, and constant self-doubt, those around me are not making it any easier. Being a student with anxiety is probably one of the most challenging thing because not only do you have your academic obligations and responsibilities, but you are also faced with situations in which you are obligated to interact with peers in front of the class, reading out loud, and deal with teachers and professors who are not well acquainted with this disorder. I often spend a significant part of my time at school by myself during breaks and in class. I enjoy sitting by myself, working on some writing, poetry, or just listening to music. It's not that I do not like the company of those around me, I do. High-functioning anxiety has it's perks and downfalls. My peers and teachers praise me for my high-academic achievements and ambition, but are unfortunately unaware of the drive behind it. High-functioning anxiety includes a lot of unconscious pressure on yourself, self-doubt, non-realstic goal making, and always having the 'need' to set your bars higher to out-do yourself better than you did the last time. During exam weeks is when I struggle with my anxiety the most. My teachers question my busy schedule and blame my 'irresponsible' overload schedule for my feelings of anxiety. In reality I was having feelings of anxiety before I was ever working or involved in so many extracurricular activities. Whenever I was not busy doing anything, my thought would just race, and I would go over an entire month's worth of schedule to check if I have missed anything. "I must be doing something, I have to stay busy, there's always something to do". Even giving myself a day or a few hours off doing absolutely nothing, gave me feelings of intense guilt. My friends often mistake my social anxiety as being anti-social or not interested. Whenever it comes to events or parties, I would always cancel on the last minute. During the last school-board meeting, I was called out as not being engaging with the rest of the group. My teacher would often call me out in class to read out, which is something I absolutely hate. For people who know me well, this might sound quite off because I am an excellent public speaker. I am aware of my strengths, but I am also well aware of my weaknesses. What made it worse was how often during my panic attacks that are were so physically visible, I would be reminded of my failing grade or lack of interest in participating in the class. As if the constant voice telling me that I am not good enough, was not enough to fuel up another panic attack by the time I reach home. So, I stay by myself, and I separate myself from the rest of the group and to be quite honest I enjoy it that way. Being by myself is not all bad. In fact, it was when I had my anxiety attacks and the need to be by myself, when I was the most creative when it came to art and writing. Dealing with anxiety has taught me the importance of self-care and how important it is to cherish the process and not question the time it takes to recover. Recovery from anxiety comes a long way, and a group of strong supporters is the most important aspect in anyone dealing with anxiety's life. But besides being a social-anxious student, anxiety has showed me how little empathy people lack for those who struggle in silence. When it came to my teacher, they preferred to bring my disorder in school meetings instead of doing more research on what it's like to struggle with the simplest things like having conversations with people, or keeping eye contact. So the next time you decide to call me out, in front of everyone as being distant and anti-social, if you sincerely do not have any intensions of facilitating my disorder, kindly leave me alone.
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My name is Keyla and I am a second year university student studying social work. I blog about social media, lifestyle, health, beauty, love, relationships, career and student life-hacks. Leave a comment and give my articles a ❤️ or 👍🏻 and don't forget to share to show your support. 😘, Keyla Publication Dates
March 2018
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