Down the Rabbit Hole: I Was the Perfect Role Model Student, But I Was Hiding a Big Secret11/25/2016 Most students who are struggling their way through school, having a part time job and having a social life, may often wonder how other students survive. Have you ever wondered how the 'role model' student who has a job, gets nothing but A's in almost all exams, never misses a class or assignment, has a social life and still makes time to volunteer at the local shelter does it? Nothing comes easy and nothing is ever free: there is always a catch. Here is my big and dark secret you should know. I wasn't always the perfect student, or daughter, or friend or anything near perfect. Everything started about 6 years ago. For the first time in my life I became the disappointment of the family: what a slap in the face it was when everyone learned that I stayed back in my last year of high school. I didn't stay back because I was stupid, but rather because my priorities were different; I wanted to focus on my appearance and my friends, of course anything but school. After that summer, everything changed and my life took a turn for what I thought would be the better, but I was wrong. I started to really make the effort to attend all classes, do my homework, study ahead of time, and boy was I getting really good grades. Not even I could have fathomed that I was capable of achieving so much that I even became an honor student. For the first time, I saw a look in my parents eyes that I have never seen in a very long time; they were extremely proud of me and that made me happy. After I went to college, I continued with my straight A streak and became more busy with extra curricular activities. I also got a job at the near by market where I had to stock the shelves and on really busy days I was cashier and had to help with the closing of the store. It was my peak period because everything was going unbelievably great, until stress started to kick in. After the winter break was over and my exams were just around the corner, I started to feel an immense stress and pressure. Suddenly everything was started to irritate me and I found it hard to stay awake and study for my exams after I have just finished my shift. My secret weapon was always to consume lots of sugar and caffeine to keep me energized, but suddenly it wasn't working as optimally as it used to. One day as I was browsing through the internet I found some articles of students who openly shared that they used Xanax, Valium and Caffeine tablets to cope with the study load and stress. I thought to myself that even though using pills is against my values, I could still take that chance because I was in desperate need to stay focused and pass these exams. One day after school I went to the local drug store and I purchased some caffeine tablets and anti-anxiety pills. After the first use, it did the trick. I was focusing even better than I used to before taking them. I got so used to them that I became dependent on them, I was hooked.
I always had a lot of peers looking up to me. I know because they always ask me "How do you do it?! Keeping a part time job, have good grades AND make time to do extra things on the side? I can't even keep up with school!" There were times that I felt a little embarrassed and I just wanted to hide. I couldn't ever bare to let my guard down and throw my mask to the floor. No one would possibly believe how much I suffered from stress, high functioning anxiety and the pressure to always be 'perfect'. I used to think that having so many eyes on me was a motivation, but with time I realized how it was the main contributor to my stress and anxiety, The pills I was taking kept me from realizing how big of a problem I had and how I became quickly dependent on pills to even function properly. There were days that when I wasn't busy doing something, I would get so anxious and I would start to act nervous. The worst part was that no one suspected a thing. I was keeping a big dark secret, I was a facade. While everyone was thinking that I had everything under control and I was the ideal child, student and friend, I was actually a ticking time bomb ready to explode. Being under so much stress and pressure and being under the influence of pills gave me what is now known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I had to drop out for a year and follow a series of therapy and do a lot of self rehabilitation. What society and parents do not realize is this: everything that seems to be perfect always comes with a price. There is no such thing as the perfect straight A student, because it really is not worth risking your health and wellbeing all for the acceptance of everyone and the sake of good grades. Everything comes with a choice, so when you choose, choose it well.
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